Life and Heart

Lately, I’ve been thinking about my process of becoming, where I have grown and areas where I am still stagnant. My life experiences have taught me the importance of reflection and awareness. So, let’s have a conversation about life and heart. How do we find a balance between the two? Balance is such a critical word, yet it is so hard to discover and do. Jesus is a perfect example of balance. He sees in us what we fail to see in ourselves. Even in our selfishness and brokeness, he loves us still the same. At times I find myself struggling greatly with God’s love. I don’t always understand it. For God to love me despite my flaws, setbacks, lack of obedience, and selfishness completely blows my mind.

When someone offends me, I hold on to it. It takes me a while to let it go. I ask God for help along my process of forgiveness towards others, but my evil mind will contort negative responses to give when the opportunity arrives. My rational is to hurt them just as much as they hurt me; to cut their wounds deeper, so that they can experience my pain. Now, I know, this thought process is not right. Fighting fire with fire doesn’t calm the fiery flames; it only ignites the spark.

brokenheart

However knowing something doesn’t necessarily mean you automatically put it into action. Sometimes it takes a breaking point, a time of deep introspection to turn away from the dangers of unforgiveness. Every time I get to the point of lacking grace, God reminds me what can happen to me internally when I choose to hold on to strife. I rob myself of the ability to be forgiven from him and by others. This is why God’s love often blows my mind. His love is so deep that the moment I think I am justified in my emotions/ actions he causes me to look at myself. Once I let go of the offense and look at me first, before scrutinizing the offending party, I realize I, too,  need grace. I, too, need love and I, too, am in search of balance that is hard to discover but necessary to go in search after.

One day I will have children. I often think of them when I’m struggling with loving others. As I look forward to one day becoming a mother, I consider my thought life and heart. I think about their characteristics. I imagine the way they will interact with people. I ask myself, do I want them to lack grace or do I want them always to have a heart of love? I realized who they become completely depends on who I am now. It’s important I see people the way God sees me, flawed but loved. My emotions and actions may at times be unpredictable and out of place, but I am loved by God still the same. Just as they are loved by God in the same way. Letting go is not easy but it’s necessary for my past, present, and future.

instrospection

It’s human nature to be broken by something or someone that hurts us. It’s not unusual to feel disconnected to others and their personal views, especially when the pain runs deep. But, to find balance, we must turn away from our judgments and the wounds that hurt us. We cast it aside by not being so dependent on what once was or should’ve been. We let go of our expectations and allow life to reveal itself on its own. Harvesting strife against others is refusing to grow. Harvesting love despite its hurt contents and brokenness is to accept people as they are without hurting yourself or those that are looking up to you or coming up after you. I call this, Periods of Waiting: Periods of Trusting.

Truth is we can become something or someone our hearts allow us to become. Change is not something the environment fosters. It’s rather an internal part of what our hearts desires. Become or un-become; your heart is the only organ with the real answer.

I’m just Speaking Out Loud in my Process of Becoming…

Signing Out,
Esther Lynn

Monday, May 29th, 2017

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A Grateful Heart

I will and forever be grateful for the time Micah, and I are spending abroad in Korea. This journey has been nothing short of a blessing. We both grown tremendously in our faith, giftings, and overall love for life and people. We traveled to different countries and exposed ourselves to various cultures across Asia. Although we still have a lot more traveling to do, the short time we’ve been living abroad are filled with endless MicNillyAdventures.

Thus far, 2017 has been a fantastic year.  I enjoy the company of my colleagues. It’s nothing like last year at all. All the bad apples are finally gone, including my selfish, independent American mentality. A new set of fresh minds started this academic year, and it has been such a joy working with them and getting to know them in and outside of the classroom. It’s always good to have good vibes with the people you work alongside. It makes the whole work environment so much easier and less stressful. After all most of my time is spent at work during the weekdays.

My students are overwhelmingly cute and super loving towards me. This school year, I teach first through sixth graders. My first and second graders call me Moana and are often intrigued with my hair and skin tone. I’m sure I’m the first black person they ever saw, LOL! My sixth graders are not that eventful but not too bad for teenagers.

The weather is getting nicer and the yellow dust season is hopefully almost over. Air pollution in Korea is horrible, to say the least. When I lived in America, I use to wonder why people in China wear mask over their mouths. I understand now. Korea has taught me to appreciate the clear air days. I will never take it for granted again.

In any case, life is great and full of wonder. Grateful to God for the community of people we have around us and the endless experiences we have had in the past few months. This blog post just serves as an update. Life is good and changing us for the better.

Till Next time,

Esther Lynn